mYmiNdsEyE

2006...

2006-01-15T22:50:00.000-05:00

hey – it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I’ve been really busy with life I guess. I HAVEN’T been doing coke or anything stupid like that…I have been GETTING LAID – hear that JJ and JANE? I was really pissed at that “13th step” suggestion you guys gave me…i guess since I was talking about hot chicks and that, you figured I needed to get laid. I’m a guy – I always need/want to get laid. the way you read me describing my thoughts are actually quite normal – I think about woman all day…

I have 2 companies that I’ve been setting up for most of 2005. 2006 will see them officially start making $$ - hopefully. so life has been busy trying to keep all that together.

thanks to you if you stopped by to read my thoughts and was disappointed there were no updates. not only is that flattering but it’s nice to hear as it’s always nice to be missed…and wanted I guess.

so yeah – I’ve been getting some lately. it’s been good. I still find I need my variety though...i have a couple of targets that I hope to hit soon,..

on a more serious note – my son is really growing up fast…it’s so awesome being closer to him…geographically speaking…I really enjoy spending time with him – just me and him. he loves me…he also thinks I’m really funny – he tells me that all the time…do I ever LOVE hearing that…

girls part 2

2005-11-21T00:54:00.000-05:00

this week was a weird one…yet not necessarily unusual, …check out this brief summary of some of the happenings of this last week:

1. started the week, monday, at my mom’s place with my son. we had breakfast there and then headed back to “W” in the morning. I dropped him off at his grandma’s and then I came home and got ready for work. I know…this is no big deal but it was an odd start to my usually predictable, regimented, same o same o, type of daily activity…

2. had an amazing chat with an old friend who I haven’t seen or heard from in almost 20 years! that was nuts...but it was awesome. turns out we’re in discussions to partner and expand my business – the record company side anyway, to include canada and u,s, distribution and promotion. we’ve started discussions, we’re working on a business plan to present to u.s distributors, the wheels are basically in motion. this could be HUGE stuff for me.

3. then there’s this girl “N” at work…she and this other girl “F” (who’ll I’ll get to in a bit) are like the only 2 girls I’m really interested in getting with at work…(there may be 2 others as well, but these two (“N” and “F”) I’m like really into…so I see “N” and she says what’s up, I ask her what she’s doing this weekend, she says ‘going to “T” on sat night’…I’m like cool, my old stomping grounds, and ask her if she wants company and I’ll show them a great time (she and her friends were going to a club – which I offered to get them in for free…I know the promoters)…so she’s like yeah, for sure, sounds cool, let me ask them and confirm things…I tell her if not sat night then whenever cause I’d like to hang out. she’s like yeah for sure, etc…

I never hear from her all week…she doesn’t call, she doesn’t come by and find me at work and let me know what’s up…so then…I see her as she’s leaving on saturday and I’m getting back from my break. we chat briefly in the hallway and I ask if she’s going to “T” that night…she says, no, the plans got fucked up and they’re not going. I’m like cool, what are you going to do? she’s like ‘I don’t know’…I’m like ‘wanna do something tonight?’ and she’s like big smiles and ‘yeah sure’…I’m like so freakin pumped at this point – she asks for my number again cause she claims she lost it, and she programs it (apparently) into her phone. I am so freakin excited it’s like back in public school and I’m all excited for a first date with this chick who I’ve been waiting over 2 months to go out with…it was cool…I was psyched all night…really looking forward to finally getting her one on one and hanging out getting to know one another. but then…

…and I kinda had a small though in the back of my mind that this would happen…she never called…she should have called after 8pm sometime…8p became 9p, then 10p…I’m still holding out…hoping…then I hit 11p and I’m now finally thinking that’s this is definitely NOT going to happen tonight…i couldn’t believe it…she never called? my question is why? why say you’re gonna call and not call? why say you wanna go out and do something, when you obviously don’t want too? either way…it sucked…but oh well…I’m over it…no use dwelling on it right?

4. I had my son with me that night…the night I was supposed to go out with “N”…thank god she never called…I had a sitter lined up…I’m sure it would have been cool…but I have no cel phone anymore as it’s been cut off due to non payment…so the sitter would have no way of getting a hold of me if, god forbid, he had to…it bothers me that I was considering/almost did, leave my son with a sitter to go out with “N”. maybe in some way this was “god’s” way of making sure I didn’t do that…I don’t know…but all in all, i’m glad my date didn’t happen so I didn’t have to deal with feeling that way…whether something happened or not…

5. to end on a weird but cool note…we’ll I guess we’ll see if it ends up being cool…the other girl at work that I’m interested in took my number after I told her I wanted to go out with her. she’s like all smiles and says ‘that would be nice’ and tells me b that she’s busy for the next 3-4 weeks with her kids and her sister’s wedding…so if we go out it won’t be for a few weeks. I’m like no problem…just call me for fuck sakes…I can’t believe how many girls I’ve given my number to since I moved here, and the actual amount of girls that have actually used the number. it really pisses me off…but, I’m psyched that “F” is apparently into going out…you can bet I’m waiting for that call…she’s older…younger than me, but older than the girls I normally attract or go for…I dig older chick…even older than me…this girl “F” is hot too...she’s like porn star hot…the countdown starts now…

now playing: ‘died for a day’ by les six (les six inhale blacksmoke remix – from the upcoming debut release “Clean Kills & Other Trophies”)

girls

2005-11-15T01:39:00.000-05:00

it’s been a nice week…life has been good lately. work has been going well…did I tell you there are several hot girls at my work. oh my god bro, this new town is almost better than “T” for females. anyway, there are at least 6-7 girls I’d love to get with. I’ve ‘gotten’ with 2 so far – but they’re not on the list of the 6-7 girls I want to get with. what can you do??? oh well…so I ‘got some’ this week so that was good. it’s about time…daddy needs lovin’ too you know…

there’s this one, her name is “N” and I thought I wasn’t ever gonna see her again cause it had been weeks since I last saw her. I saw her this week…nice eh? I gave her my number and haven’t heard form her yet but I definitely picked up on a ‘vibe’ when we first started talking…then hadn’t seen each other around work for weeks, but she seemed almost as happy as I to have run into each other this week. anyway…I’m still waiting for the phone to ring…it will…fingers crossed…!!

I’ve been smoking a lot of pot (again) lately. i’ve been getting high before work, at lunch, and after work…so pretty much all day all the time. now that I think about this, I’ve been doing this for about 2 years now…maybe it just seems like it’s been a lot lately…haven’t been doing coke so that’s a good thing. but then again, I haven’t been doing coke because I haven’t been in “T” lately. next trip to “T” is nov 24 and possibly nov 25. I should be broke by then so hopefully I have no money to burn. ultimately as always the choice is mine. I am in control I guess…unless my choices are impaired or influenced by my addiction.??...

now playing: ‘you know what you are?’ by NIN (from “with teeth”)

something positive!

2005-11-07T10:54:00.000-05:00

wow - get ready…this blog is something way positive for once!!!

I had one of those things that we have sometimes…it's like a light bulb going on in your head, like a big realization was made, or you all off a sudden 'feel' something that you've heard about but could never have related too…I'm a confusing you? sorry.

my friend - one of my clients actually - was telling me via msn that things were shitty in his personal life now…professionally things are going really well for him/us. anyway, he and his girlfriend just broke up recently. it was getting really serious and he wasn't sure if he was into a serious relationship…they'd been together 2 years. he was in to it as was she…it's just he thought that if this relationship goes to the next level, it'll likely end up in marriage, kids, mortgage, other bills, and all that 'good' stuff. he nobly said, in the end, that that was life and that's just how it goes. very true. just hard to take.

the feeling that I came to was this: that I felt I cold say to him “dude, just keep thinking that way, stay positive, spread good vibes no matter how hard it may be, and trust me, thing s will get better. it'll take some time, but things will get better bro. how many times have you heard that before? tons I bet. it's just ever time you hear it, you're so down in the dumps that you're like 'yeah, yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up and lets do some rock star rails…'

but this time, I was giving the advice…it felt really good because I know/knew that the advice is true. for once, I was a testament to the fact that things do get better. I realized that I'm starting to get through the shit that went down 3 years ago and am now truly staring to feel better...starting to feel happy or at least at ease with the fact that 'this is life and that's just the way it goes'.

it was awesome to feel this way today. I can't remember if I have ever felt this way before in my life. thanks to 'whomever' for allowing me to come to this realization today.

now playing: 'pieces' by sum 41 (from “chuck”)

“K” & “K” & me

2005-11-03T22:40:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd write a bit about my ex. we share an amazing son. I know I'm biased but this kid is something special. I've always told his mom, my ex, that there is something about him, I just don't know quite what…yet…but trust me, there's something very special about this soul. I like to think it's because he was created by two 'special' souls.

anyway…ever since I moved here...to be closer to my son and to change my life (or was it to save my life? …or are those the same thing this time?), I've been in contact with “K” a lot…I see my son on weekends and twice during the week. it's freakin' awesome. I love it. I also see her that many times as well. we also talk on the phone, albeit briefly, a few times in the week to set up pick up/drop off times and because my son likes to call me and I like to call him. this is what brings me to my blog tonight…I needed to get this out, so what better way to do it than to write about it…which is basically the reason I started this thing.

so - this has been going on forever now…she basically doesn't like me anymore, doesn't really want to have anything to do with me anymore, basically just wants our relationship to revolve around dealing with our son. I feel the exact same way…about the last point. as for the first to - I still like her. I love her. but I love her only as my son's mother, the woman I fell in love with and the girl who changed my life - for the better. but I'm not 'in' love with her. I'm over the break up…I mean the longing for her part…I'm still getting over the emotional and mental stuff cause I blocked it out for the last 2 years…not by myself but with the help of some pretty good blow. but that's neither here nor there…at this point and time anyway.

what I'm getting at is that I wish she'd have the same feeling for me. I don't want her back. she defiantly doesn't want me back. I would just like to have a better relationship with her. she could care less. I want her to like me again. not like it was at the beginning, but just like me as a person. as her son's father.

she does respect me in that way though…in her own way, she really does. she's never on my case regarding finances. she expects them but understands my limitations. she also is very good with my access to my son. I thank her very much for that. she does it cause she knows it's good for our son. and he wants it that way too. she knows he loves his daddy. I touched on something above that I wanna expand on…regarding my finances. I'm ashamed to say that the entire time I was selling my cd's, coming up with cash from my mom and any other way I could, and I was spending all this dough on partying/blow (and probably for sex too)…I wasn't paying off the debt I had to my mom, or any support for “K” and our son. I don't wanna get down on my self but thinking about that stuff sux big time.

anyway - my point is…she doesn't necessarily know that I was spending all this dough on blow and not trying to get out of debt and pay my bills as well as give her some cash too...but, I'm sure she know I was spending some dough on blow. because of this, I think she's very, very disappointed in me…hence her attitude towards me, personally (outside of being her son's father - she does respect me that way thank god. but that shouldn't surprise me - she's a warm, loving, beautiful human being. and I miss her. but I know that we don't and won't make each other happy anymore. I know that. she does too. if I had one wish, I wonder if I'd wish for her and I to get a long like we always wanted us to…and for the three of us to be a family again, and maybe have another baby…I'm starting to tear up…again, I'm such a freakin' wuss. but I like the wuss that I am… sometimes.

coke

2005-10-30T21:53:00.000-05:00

this was a really good week. then friday came and I had to go to “T” to see 2 of my bands play. if you read the previous post, you’ll understand this story. as I mentioned, I still had a half bag of blow left over from the previous saturday when I was back in “T” at the “LS” show. as I was hitting the road to make it to the city for 10/10:30p, I decide to grab the bag and ‘see what happens’ when I get to the city. of coarse I know exactly what’s gonna happen but I try and fool myself and play the ‘we’ll see’ game…yeah right.

this was my plan, as ridiculous as it may seem: I figured I start doing bumps early and since one band was on at 11 and the other at 12, I thought by 1a I’d be done my little bag and I’d be thinking of going home, not too high, and smoking a fatty and going to sleep – at my sister’s house cause I don’t live in “T” anymore…plus I had family plans with my mom and my son and everyone else, the next day.

I followed the plan very well. until the part just before I was done my little bag. I’ll give you one guess what I was thinking at that point…yup, you’re right. scoring wasn’t going to be a problem (is it ever???), the promoter at the club is a freakin’ crack head and is more than pleased to sell me a half bag. so that’s what happened...i scored and was like – uh oh…here we go again. I wonder if I was gonna end up at the “B” and then at the after hours?? this is exactly what happened.

I fuckin’ love doing coke just about as much as I hate doing coke. and I hate it so freakin hate it so damn much. it was fucked up…my first line was in the bathroom of this gas station as soon as I got into “T”. man that felt awesome. now I remember my last line that night…at about 5am, alone, in the can, at the after hours. knowing that I was going home, alone, and fuckin high as a freakin kite on a windy day, and having to get up early the next day (or basically in a few hours). that fuckin sucked. but I love doing coke and I hate myself for it.

no point beating myself up over it. we all new it was gonna happen. I just need to try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I’ll be in Toronto on nov 24 and 25 cause “LS” has shows both nights. every time I go out in that city I end up doing blow. I’m so freakin powerless over this shit.

anyway, no beating up the lone wolf tonight…this week is gonna be a good week. looking forward to the changes at work this week. we have new responsibilities so things will be exciting this week. also gonna be going trick or treating with “K” tomorrow – it’s halloween.

now playing: monday night football. bills at broncos. 3-0 for buffalo.

old habits die hard

2005-10-24T18:04:00.000-04:00

I kinda knew I'd be writing about this…what is it they say in those rooms, those church basements…??? 'relapse is a process, not an event' … or something like that. I don't by any means consider what happened last night a 'relapse'. I freakin' hate that word…always have - ever since the first time I heard it - back in 1995 sometime I think…

so…I had to go to “T” on saturday night to see my band play a show. I kinda thought that I may do coke but at the same time I was hoping I wouldn't. I've always done coke when my band plays I and enjoy it (for a while anyway) so I knew I'd get the itch and I'd likely succumb to the desire to fuck shit up…no surprise eh? what would have been a surprise would have been if I actually didn't do coke.

I scored before I got to the club. did a few toots when I got in, right after I got a beer of course, which was basically, as always, the first thing I do as soon as I walk in to a bar. hung out, watched the bands I had to, and then went to the “B” with some friends. I hadn't been there for 6-7 weeks. I naturally went to the “V” for after hours…haven't been there for 6-7 weeks either. you know what's so freakin funny and weird? the same fuckin dirt bags are still there…no surprise mind you, but when you stop and think about it, it's just fucked. why do I dig that scene so fuckin much? there's always new people hanging out...new dirt bags, I guess.

anyway, it sucked. the whole night. I mean I did enjoy the first rush I got - about 10 mins after i got to the bar, got a bud, and went to my office/the bathroom. it was nice. so I went back and did another - a little bigger this time. all in all though, this shit's not for me. sure it's good times…but it doesn't get me anywhere - with girls, or anywhere else. here's another thing they say in those rooms/church basements that pisses me off cause it's so freakin true: oh - it's about blow (or could be anything, I guess)

…”remember the last two hours, not the first two hours…” of your night, your buzz, your binge, …whatever…

is that true though?? the first two hours, it's wicked. I'm high, feelin' good, chicks are looking at me…this could be a good night…”lets' go!” …then the last two hours are the “oh, why did I do this again, I'm such an asshole, where are my priorities, what the fuck do you think you're doing you god damn son f a bitch, man I wish I could just get to sleep…blah, blah, blah…” …it's true, but why don't I listen to it? because I'm a drug addict.

when you were little, and dreamt about what you'd do or what you'd be like when you got older, did you ever, in your wildest dreams, ever think that you'd be a drug addict?

I didn't. I always dreamt of better things - bigger things. hell, I was so innocent (well, kinda…) at that age I never even knew what drugs were let a lone what they do to you (positive or negatively)

anyway, the worst part of all this…when I scored, I decided to pick up a gram instead of just doing a half…cause i knew, a half wouldn't be enough and I'd likely be looking to score later and it's just easier to have the full g on me…cause I'm gonna be doing it later anyway…it turns out the half would have been good enough…

at the booze can, at around 5am I decide to crack open the new _ bag. I end up doing a few bumps in a couple of trips to the bathroom…I leave like 15 mins later - all high and trying to go home - or scratch that, here's where it starts to get worse, I'm going back to my sister's house for god sake. she's there with her new husband/..i blogged about the wedding in here somewhere…anyway, you'd think I'd have some respect…so whatever, I leave, drive home (like a fuckin damn fool), smoke a joint, and go into my sister's house, at like 5:30/6 in the morning. who the fuck do I think I am…

oh - and the worse part? I have at least _ of that half bag left…I'm not the type to do it now cause it's there. but I am totally the type that will find an excuse to do it this weekend when I'm back in “T” may band's next gig.

music...gone...just like that

2005-10-20T22:57:00.000-04:00

I needed to write about this…I think…so, last night was wednesday. I had to go to “T” to see a band that was showcasing for me. I may end up managing them and putting out their cd as well. I was kind of worried about going back to “T” and possibly seeing my old party friends. whether i did or not, I was also worried about possibly getting the 'itch' to score some blow. I did get that 'itch' but I didn't score…i'm glad I didn't…I had to be back in “W” that night and also had to be up early as I needed to be at work for 7am.

I'm going back to “T” this saturday as one of the other bands I manage is playing a show…should be good times. I'm planning on staying the night and I'll be back on sunday. I hope I stay away from doing coke.

I've been enjoying being able to see my son more often. before I went to “T” last night he and I hung out, did a spiderman puzzle, had dinner and then I dropped him off at his mom's and I went to “T” - a very, very happy guy.

I'm definitely doing better in terms of my mental state of mind. life really feels good now…

I also think I need to write about this…my hard drive crashed or something…the entire drive is wiped out…on this drive I have my ENTIRE music collection. this really freakin' sux hard. I'm in the process of some serious data recovery now and it's already cost me $300…a small price to pay to get my collection back…now if you read way down below in my previous posts you'll know that when I was down and out in “T” not 2-3 months ago, I spent a few months selling all my cd's to have cash to get by…basically to have cash to buy drugs and party, but I mean do you see where I'm going with this??? if I end up losing all my music on my hard drive, there is no way I can replace it by reloading it all back on to the drive from the original cd's cause…I don't have any hard copies/cd's anymore!!!! what a scary thought…part of ,e thinks that this would serve me right for being the irresponsible fool I was over the last 2 years…but then again, the other part of me knows that music is my lifeline and in some way, always has been ever since I can remember.

say a prayer or send me some positive good thoughts cause I need it right now…I really hope this data recovery process works and I'm able to get all my files back on the hard drive. fingers crossed.

now playing: absolutely nothing….guess why?

sad songs

2005-10-18T00:50:00.000-04:00

do you like sad songs? didn't elton john write some song called 'sad songs' - the lyric, I believe, goes something like 'sad songs they say so much…' or something like that…anyway, I dig sad songs a lot…I think because it's in our nature (addicts especially but non-affected people as well) to sit on the pitty pot and drown in our sorrows. I mean it sux to be depressed - we all go through that shit…but sometimes, isn't it awesome to get into a great 'sad song' and just let your emotions and feelings get into the song, evoking any memories that make you wanna cry - we all have those. mine it seems are always the regrets that me and my ex, my baby's mama, my son's mom, as I like to call her, didn't work out. it just wasn't meant to be…we had a good 6 years, we both grew fast and learned a lot...a whole lot…which I think makes us better people today. it took me a lot longer and I still have a long way to go, but whatever, it's all good. this is another story though…I'll get into in later I'm sure…

anyway…these 'sad songs' can be anything…they don't have to be 'love songs'. those are great too, but there are many, many 'sad songs' or songs that make you feel sad that are far from love songs - and some of these are much better. some examples of some of mine (and there are many but I'll only list a few) are:

1. dry your eyes - the streets
2. coldplay - the scientist
3. coward of the county - kenny rogers
4. pictures of you - the cure

there are so many…the one I'm really into now is 'fix you' from the latest coldplay record. what an awesome tune. coldplay rocks. you'll notice I listed 'the scientist' from coldplay's last record…that one is a huge sad song for me. it makes me feel so good because it reminds me of when “K” was pregnant and we lived up north in the country and I used to commute to the city, as did, she, every morning to go to work…I'm starting to tear up right now…I'm such a freakin' wuss…anyway it also reminds me of just before and just after my son was born. these were really good times. they should have been better but I was falling apart my then and “K” and I were beginning to break up…that's the bad part of what 'the scientist' reminds me of...

the point of all this was just to write about how 'fix you' on this record is what 'the scientist' was to me on the last record. I enjoyed listening to it over and over again earlier today…

if you haven't heard these songs - check them out…and let your emotions do their thing…

now playing: the cure 'lullaby'...followed by coldplay 'fix you'...

long time, no blog.

2005-10-14T23:53:00.000-04:00

...tx for coming back and checkin' in…everything is awesome…sort of…well…no. everything is awesome. things are going very well in my new place/town/life, etc…I've been saying this a lot lately: “I'm turning over many new leaves”…to put it in context, it's just little things like keeping positive and spreading positive vibes…even if I hate stuff anyway. meaning, my day job suck ass but at least I get paid a decent wage for it…not decent really but it's like $10/hour for not really having to do too much. so, it sux but I focus on the positive stuff (like having a job, getting paid, having responsibility, just basically doing my thing in a much, much more productive and better way. that may sound obvious to some people - like that's what I should be doing anyway…but if you're reading this, you're probably like me and always tend to focus and bitch about all bull shit/negative stuff in one's life. I'm trying to focus on the positive and have a big change in my attitude towards LIFE…and I think it's working.

hey check this out this is fuckin' wicked.

http://www.itnewsonline.com/showstory.php?storyid=1496&scatid=3&contid=3

I have a second or third generation 20 gig ipod. it was way cool when I bought it a couple of years ago, but this new one is way hot. they come in black too! if I be good for a long while I think I'm gonna try to get me one of those.

my son is staying with me at my new place this weekend. he's been here before but has never stayed the night until tonight. he's sleeping now. he's my favourite. my favourite anything. he's just the best. he's beautiful…a very, very, very sweet person. I'm going to go to bed now…he and I are going to the pumpkin patch tomorrow morning!

my new life...it's official

2005-10-02T01:06:00.000-04:00

today was the big day. thanks for remembering and inquiring, jane.

it was a quick move…only took us 2-3 hours. unpacking has been ok…I'm just exhausted now and am ready for some sleep. I didn't get much sleep last night - ended up going out with some peeps from work and then ended up taking home this young girl who's all about me…she's had a huge crush on me for the last 2 weeks or so…it's flattering but I'm not totally in to her…anyway, I was up till around 4:30 am and then was up at 9:30 am.

I just got off the phone with my son and his mother. the poor guy woke up and was not feeling very well. he has a tight sounding cough and a sore throat…when he woke up he told his mom that he wanted to talk to his daddy! I feel so special.

I'm gonna crash now…but I'm excited to be officially starting my new life.

just wanna thank jane for checking in on me and my blog. tx jane.

now playing: introspect 'windy day' (from the forthcoming debut album still untitled - for more info check www.intro-spect.net

DAMN!!! ...

2005-09-25T20:48:00.000-04:00

damn…

well…it had to happen sometime i guess. let’s start with the good news first:

partied with some peeps from work on friday night…very fun, very weird. basically the first time I went out drinking in this new area (where I live now)…

my client (one of the bands I manage) won their showcase at a club in “T” on friday night. this was a good thing – definitely will help to spread the word about the band through word of mouth, we got to play in front of a different crowd, etc…

we had our first out of town show on saturday…in “L”…and this is where things got messy. kinda took a turn for the worst. and guess what? it was all my doing, all my fault.

well…I did coke again last night…it could have got ugly but it didn’t. basically it just reinforced may reasons for why that drug does nothing positive for me (yet I wanna do it so much all the time – every time I’m out…and every time I’m drinking). I’m choosing not to focus this post on the binge last night – it wasn’t really a binge – but whatever…I’m sure this just reaffirms that I shouldn’t be doing that shit anymore.

so now I’m wondering what’s gonna happen with my music career/plans/dreams. lemme backup a couple of steps…I’ve had a good 10 years, playing, marketing, promoting, etc music. it’s one of my passions – one of a few healthy passions. but is it healthy…see, if I’m at a bar with friends or with one of my clients/bands, and I’m drinking, I inevitably wanna get some coke and get high. if I’m not drinking, I don’t wanna be in the bar…my music work revolves around club life. how can I continue to be involved in this industry and stay away from the drugs?

before you try and answer – consider this…even if I’m out with friends having drinks – and it has NOTHING to do with music, I still wanna find coke and get high.

I may have to just stop drinking…all of us addicts know that a drink (even if it’s not our drung of choice) will always cause us to end up getting to our drug of choice. know what i mean? something like…’one is too many and 1000 never enough’…so true…

this upcoming week is a new week. everything is positive in my new town. I was feeling good about myself and my life. I need to get back to that quickly.

now playing: nothing – as I’m living out of a bag with no stereo…just until friday!

first pay cheque in 2 years!

2005-09-23T01:22:00.000-04:00

this week has been busy. it’s nice to be productive and working again. the highlight has to be today – I received my first pay cheque in about 2 years! it really does feel good to do honest work and get paid for it.

things are going great with the band I manage. we’re playing a show in “T” tomorrow night (which I will miss cause I’m working out of town in “W”…which is a drag, but it’s cool…everything works out somehow…I’ll be going with the band for their first out of town gig on saturday. I’m really looking forward to seeing the new line up. things are not only really positive in my own personal life right now, things are finally all positive with the guys and girl in my band. everyone is ‘on the same page’ – everyone is excited and looking forward to the future.

the future, in terms of my career with this band, is looking good. my indie record label will release not only the labels first release but also my band’s first release. that’s exciting.

I’ve been receiving news lately in my horoscopes. the news is telling me to really be careful with my finances at this time. I think it’s telling me to get my financial shit together. my financial situation has always been a mess. I owe a great deal of money to creditors and my mother. but now I have a chance to make things right. I’m working, making money, so it’s time to be very conscious of my finances. I need to pay my creditors, pay my current bills on time (rent, utilities, food, etc), make payments to my mother, and obviously start making some financial contribution to my son and his mother.

what I don’t need to do is spend my cash recklessly – on drugs or anything else stupid.

looks like the south us gulf region and west of there is gonna get hit by another storm - hurricane rita. that’s really gotta suck if you live in that area. my band may be involved in a benefit fundraiser for new orleans. the benefit will likely be in mid October. that feels really good to do…nice to be involved with something like that.

to end with some brutal, sick, disgusting news…the poor, sick individual that killed alicia ross turned himself in to the police yesterday ending 4-8 weeks of hell for her family. they didn’t know if she was dead or alive. she’d had been missing for weeks – but there’s always hope isn’t there? this fuckin’ guy was her neighbour…he confessed and led the cops to her remains which were in two separate locations. the worst part – the body had been dismembered.

not to end on such a downer/negative vibe…I will say a prayer for her family and friends tonight – hoping to spread love, support, and positive vibes to them. may god (or whomever/whatever you believe in) give them strength and peace.

now playing: nothing except the sound of crickets chirping outside. (I’m still in transition and haven’t moved into my new apartment yet so I don’t have the access to my music that I would like…oct 1 is the big day)

saturday with my son, close to both our homes

2005-09-17T22:36:00.000-04:00

today started off great. early, but great. I was greeted this morning by my son being dropped off by his mom. we, my son and i, spent the day together. we'll do the same thing tomorrow. it's nice being in the same town as he is…just makes seeing him so much easier and more convenient.

finally got my internet hooked up yesterday. thus the delay in posting I mentioned in my first post back (and in a new town) last night. since I have “K” this weekend, I don't have much time to be on-line. and as I'm sure many can understand, I like to have access to being on line all the time. or at least whenever I want. I guess we're spoiled that way.

looking forward to work next week. still training at both gigs however it's now the second week so things will be different and hopefully more advanced. I can honestly say I'm happy to be here. living in “W”. I don't miss toronto at all. and the only stuff I actually do miss is the stuff that wasn't good for me anyway. figures eh? you know the stuff…drugs basically. partying, hangin'out, etc. it may sound fun but it's expensive and lonely. glad it's past me…for now. don't plan on getting in to the same mess here…we shall only see.

I'm thinking I should start talking about other stuff that interests me. stuff like politics, current events, history, trivia, pop culture, music? that way I can start posting pics and links and stuff. first I need to figure out how to add links and images.

now playing: the killers vs thriftshop 'somebody told me - to re-mix it' (from www.thriftshopxl.com)

new town, new job, new life

2005-09-17T01:36:00.000-04:00

hello…it's been a while. many, many changes have taken place since my last post.

my sister got married on September 10. it was a beautiful ceremony. it was a lovely day. I was very proud to have my son walking around with me all day. I was also very proud of my beautiful mom and my equally beautiful sister.

I also moved - finally. out of dodge. out of toronto. away from the scene. away from many, many demons. I'm now in the “N” region and really loving it. I don't get my place until October 1. my new apartment. I can't wait. but for the time being, I'm here and loving it. I started 2 jobs on September 12. 2 jobs. I haven't worked for almost 2 years. I get my first pay cheque on sept 22. an honest week's pay. it's been a while.

I'm truly enjoying both new jobs. so far, it's only been a week and I'm still in 'training' mode for both jobs. things will start to move along quickly over the next few weeks.

I can honestly say that I am feeling good. feeling happy almost. still have a long way to go. haven't done coke for a while - cause I've been broke. also cause I'm out of Toronto. also because I'm working…it feels good to have a job. I need to respect these jobs more than any job I've ever had…I'm looking forward to my 'new' life. looking forward to finding some happiness.

I'm hanging out with my son tomorrow and sunday. really looking forward to that. actually really looking forward to having him stay with me on weekends at my new place - starting oct 1!! that will be very cool. it's nice to be closer to him.

life is good. I'm happy to be part of it…happy to be alive.

now playing: absolutely nothing except the sound of me typing.

labour day and other positive thoughs?

2005-09-05T16:47:00.000-04:00

it’s labour day, of labour day weekend. do you remember this time of year but when you were a kid. a young boy or girl getting ready to start grade 6, 7, 8, or even 9 – your first year of high school? those were exciting times as I remember. I think I enjoyed them less as I grew older. the best were the early grades – 4-8. anyway, just a random thought regarding the day…

I’m really on a positive vibe lately. it feels really good. it’s still kinda weird though…I’m staying at my sister’s house till friday. she’s getting married saturday. so there’s a lot of stuff going on…I’m staying at her house cause I don’t have a place of my own until oct 1. I moved last friday – it all went well by the way. so I’m living out of a gym bag for the next few weeks. I’ll be staying at “K”’s place from sept 12-30. that should be kinda odd…looking forward to seeing what kind of feelings that is going to evoke. my plan: to stay flexible and positive throughout.

oh – I guess I should say that last friday, after my move, instead of chilling at my sister’s place and getting an early sleep (since I was up early packing/moving all day). what do I decide to do? I go out – get some coke, with money that I don’t have…I don’t even wanna get into the way I ended up getting the cash – with a credit card that isn’t mine – but was given to me on the promise that I use it for NOTHING but gas and groceries. anyway, I found a place to get ‘cash back’ on credit cards, scored a ½ bag and had a shitty time till 6am. I fuckin’ hate myself sometimes.

anyway – stay positive…send out good vibes…this is how I need to think. especially now. ch-ch-ch-changes remember…positive changes, that is…

been thinking a lot about the survivors in new Orleans and the whole situation down there. I can’t believe how race has become an issue. I don’t dispute the issue; I actually support it 100%. it’s not hard to see…have you seen any pics or tv news reports? the majority of displaced people are all african american, black, or whatever pc/non-pc term you prefer. it’s just weird…the displaced peeps are obviously 1 or a few types and fit into 1 of a few categories. they either (a) don’t have any money to leave the state. or (b) they don’t have anywhere to go even if they had any money to leave the state, or (c) they just chose not to leave for whatever reason. after all, the president did issue a ‘state of emergency’ for the area – and very few people left – because of the reasons provided above and likely other reasons as well.

these people are poor. and black. now regardless of colour, why wouldn’t the united states ensure rescue missions for these people asap. they must have known that some people will refuse to leave. many stay put during these types of natural events. states like florida have hurricanes and other storms frequently and many people leave the state and many people stay at home, fingers crossed, in prayer, and hoping for the best. wouldn’t a nation like the united sates anticipate this type of reaction in new orleans? and if so, why not have rescue operations on stand by?

one reason could be because the majority of the national guard, the army, etc is in afganistan or iraq. what a situation that is eh? you can help ‘democratize’ another country half way across the globe but you can’t help your own people. your own poor, black people.

didn’t kanye west say it best? ‘george bush hates black people”.

http://www.digdug.dk/?p=125

click on the link for video of kanye west, live, on nbc tv. if you can’t get the video, here’s a bit of the transcript. to set it up, nbc was doing a free concert/event to raise money for new Orleans. kanye is at the podium with mike myers:

Kanye West was not scheduled to perform; he was one of the blah, blah, blahers, who would read from scripts prepared by the network about the impact of Katrina on southern Louisiana and Mississippi.

West and Mike Myers had been paired up to appear about halfway through the show. Their assignment: Take turns reading a script describing the breach in the levees around New Orleans.

Myers: The landscape of the city has changed dramatically, tragically and perhaps irreversibly. There is now over 25 feet of water where there was once city streets and thriving neighborhoods.

(Myers throws to West, who looked extremely nervous in his super-preppy designer rugby shirt and white pants, which is not like the arrogant West and which, in retrospect, should have been a tip-off.)

West: I hate the way they portray us in the media. You see a black family, it says, "They're looting." You see a white family, it says, "They're looking for food." And, you know, it's been five days [waiting for federal help] because most of the people are black. And even for me to complain about it, I would be a hypocrite because I've tried to turn away from the TV because it's too hard to watch. I've even been shopping before even giving a donation, so now I'm calling my business manager right now to see what is the biggest amount I can give, and just to imagine if I was down there, and those are my people down there. So anybody out there that wants to do anything that we can help -- with the way America is set up to help the poor, the black people, the less well-off, as slow as possible. I mean, the Red Cross is doing everything they can. We already realize a lot of people that could help are at war right now, fighting another way -- and they've given them permission to go down and shoot us!

(West throws back to Myers, who is looking like a guy who stopped on the tarmac to tie his shoe and got hit in the back with the 8:30 to La Guardia.)

Myers: And subtle, but in many ways even more profoundly devastating, is the lasting damage to the survivors' will to rebuild and remain in the area. The destruction of the spirit of the people of southern Louisiana and Mississippi may end up being the most tragic loss of all.

(And, because Myers is apparently as dumb as his Alfalfa hair, he throws it back to West.)

West: George Bush doesn't care about black people!

(Back to Myers, now looking like the 8:30 to La Guardia turned around and caught him square between the eyes.)

Myers: Please call . . .

At which point someone at NBC News finally regained control of the joystick and cut over to Chris Tucker, who started right in with more scripted blah, blah, blah.

---taken from the washingpost.com web site ---

anyway…

I wanted to stay positive on this post. not sure if I quite did. it’s all good though. I have to go see the radio station in “W” tomorrow. it’s nice to have the option of choosing between a couple of jobs. hopefully I’ll get an offer for the other “WF” gig tomorrow.

now playing: cbc radio 3 podcast – episode 14

2 days in a row??

2005-08-31T22:42:00.000-04:00

believe it or not, today was another great day. it started this morning when I got up and got ready to head to yet another job interview in “W”. I ended up getting the job offer. this is cool as it’s finally nice to start getting job offers again…notice I said offers – as in plural. well…I also was offered another job at the local radio station in “W”. I did interview 2 times with them already. that position will become full time with benefits and a salary (plus commission) in December – hopefully. the other job offer I got is at a call centre and that begins sept 12. there is guaranteed pay and health benefits. my preference is for the radio gig, however today it seems like the call centre job is more secure.

on sept 6, I’ll be meeting with the radio station to go over details of their offer. so who knows, I may end up taking that gig of it turns out to be cool for me. I really gotta thank whoever is responsible for my recent luck. fingers crossed, I hope it continues.

I really miss my dog today. I had to put him down last year around this time. he had cancer. he was an amazing soul. I loved him very much – and you know what, I really believe and really felt his love for me. it’s one of the warmest feelings I’ve ever had. I think I miss him cause I’m moving and he’s not coming…I thought a bout this fact for a while and here’s what I came up with: my first move to the city was in 1991-92 and “B” was not with me. my second move, which would be my first move in the city to another place ion the city he wasn’t with me but he and I came together while I was in that place on the “E”. now – this will be my last move out of the city – and he’s not gonna be with me.

what I have to take from this is that it’s time for changes. I also thought today that summer is almost over and the season will change to fall. fall/autumn is my favourite time of year. it signifies change…people say…right? it’s the perfect time to make positive changes. the last 2 years have been absolutely brutal in so many ways. I haven’t even touched on certain major, major, major issues. the changes that I made over the last two years were for the most part, definitely negative choices. I have to once again say that I am really looking forward to my move, my new job, and my new changes.

I just hope I don’t fuck things up…again…

now playing: bloc party ‘positive tension’ (from “silent alarm”)

good news continues...

2005-08-30T16:27:00.000-04:00

well the good news is continuing for me…nice for a change. I found out last night that I’ve got an apartment in “W” for oct 1. I’m moving out of my current place this friday. putting stuff in storage till oct 1. the job prospects are looking up as well. it will be a job in “W” which is way cool for me. I’m really looking forward to the move and the changes.

on the bad news side, I went out last night and finished off the little bit of blow I had sitting around my apartment. I actually planned on getting more but things didn’t work out…I really think that was a sign from above or something. thank god (or whomever you believe in) that I was unable to score more last night.

saw “T” last night for a booty call. she called/txt’d throughout the evening and wanted to get together, as did i…seems like I won’t be seeing her anymore since I’m moving. we hadn’t seen each other for a few months anyway. it’s no biggie as the relationship was basically just a sex thing. which was fine with me.

I really should start packing but I’m such a procrastinator…maybe that’s one of the things I should start to change?? I’ve said it before but I gotta say again that I’m really looking forward to the upcoming life changes.

oh – I hung out with “J” for a while last night – we talked about her helping me out with my business, etc. I’ve always thought she was cute…kinda sexy in an innocent way…I think that’s because she’s so young. but she seems way cool…I didn’t really hit on her last night…we just talked business…while I kept going to the bathroom to do another bump – like every 20 minutes. do I really think that people don’t know what I’m up too? interesting question don’t you think? some peeps would pick up on it but I also bet that some peeps have no idea – they just figure I have a weak bladder or liker to pee a lot…who knows. who really cares?

now playing: u2 ‘bad’ (from “the unforgettable fire”) – one of my favourite songs of all time BTW.

ch-ch-ch-changes

2005-08-29T17:34:00.000-04:00

sorry for the bowie reference in the subject. the subject ‘changes’ seems to fit my vibe, mood, headspace, situation, etc., lately. I’ve posted a lot lately on my struggles with addiction (and possible mental illness)…that’s one thing that I’d like to change. when I first started blogging, I wasn’t quite sure what direction this blog would take. I like the fact that it’s direction will be directly related to what’s going on inside my head – in my minds eye.

I haven’t done blow for a week or so now…I don’t even want to look at a calendar and try to figure out when the last time was…either way, it was at least a week ago. the sad part is that if I wasn’t so freakin’ broke, I’d have likely partied at least once last week. I just have really reached then end – financially. which actually means that “M”, my source, has also reached the end of her finances – caused directly because of me and my addiction…my illness…my whatever the fuck this thing is that fuck up my entire life and everything in it…

back to changes – I’m moving out of my apartment – to be closer to a specific person. this is a very, very good thing. a very, very positive thing. thing is, I need to get a job in this new city. I’ve had successful interviews…will likely find out if I scored the gig(s) next week. fingers crossed…I have some funding for my move – as I’m sure the reader knows, moves are a big freakin’ hassle and very expensive…at least I have that funding…it looks like I’ll have to put my stuff in storage until I get confirmation on getting an apartment. I’ve looked at a few, some available on sept 1 and some available on oct 1. obviously I want the one available sept 1 as I need to move this week!!

so – so far, I’m moving to “W” but don’t have a job or an apartment. only someone as fucked up as I could find themselves in a fucked up position such as this. the reader may relate…some readers may not. the latter, I envy you, you just don’t understand nor comprehend how mentally fucked up or addiction afflicted people are or how/why the act the way they do…anyway – the only thing I can do I stay positive, send out good vibes and basically just hope for the best.

now playing: starsailor ‘music was saved’ (from “silence is easy”)

is this the end?

2005-08-21T23:13:00.000-04:00

I went to my future brother in-laws stag on saturday. it was an all day affair. I attended the middle part of the event, which went from 4pm to midnight. it was really cool. nice to hang out with his friends (a group of 13). I never really had that many friends at one particular time in my life, but for someone to have kept that many friends, is really cool. it was nice to see how a bunch of guys who are buddies hang out…also nice to see the way other ‘normal’ people party and enjoy life…instead of the way my so called friends party and ‘enjoy’ (more like destroy) their lives.

unfortunately, I had some blow left from thursday night – see previous post – so of course, I took it to the day’s events. I was continually fighting the urge to get into it asap. I waited till after lunch…then thought it best to wait till after dinner (cause you know there was no way I was eating anything if I had started doing blow – and I needed to eat dinner). anyway, dinner ends around 7:30 p and I was in the bathroom before 8pm doing bumps.

then before we left for the bar crawl and the nights activities, I decided to take off, go home, change my shirt, and then stop of at “A”’s house to get another half bag. what a freakin’ disgusting addict I am. I head back to the bar where we were all to meet. by the end of the stay at that bar – I decide to leave the group and go party at my local. they were all going to a strip joint north of the city. I just didn’t wanna go. we had a nice limo to take us up there and bring us back but I bailed. I went to my local for drinks and then to the “V” bar for after hours. I should have just went straight home. I said that a few times up until 6am when I finally left and went home.

most of today (sunday) was spent on the couching, sleeping and watching tv. very unproductive. I didn’t have any pot to smoke today cause i’m out and I’m broke so I have no money to re-load. oh – while at the “V”, the manager “D” really wanted my t-shirt. he really liked it. I wasn’t gonna give or sell it to him but then he made an offer no addict can refuse. he said he’d give me a ½ bag fro the shirt. he charges $50 for a ½ bag (most charge $40)…so…while I didn’t need more blow, of coarse I made the deal. he gave me a half-gram around 4am…I left after 5am. I still have a bit of that bag left…unfortunately. I need to make sure I don’t get into that bag – if I do, I’ll need to buy more, also will need to buy booze as I’ll be out partying. since I have no money – hopefully I won’t get into that bag.

I hate being an addict.

now playing - CTV 11pm news on TV.

how to ruin an otherwise great day...

2005-08-19T16:15:00.000-04:00

yesterday – thursday aug 18, 2005 was a really good day. the night is another story…keep reading…so I had a job interview out of town in a city that I may be moving too…it’s a sales job at a small radio station (with a big reach). it seems like it could be a cool gig although I’m not sure if they offer health benefits (which I desperately need as I am a diabetic and medication and supplies are very expensive). it may also be a commission job for the first 2 months and then the third month things will change.

the cool thing about yesterday afternoon was that as I traveled to this interview, I got a call from another perspective employer who’s also located out of town in this same city to where I was headed. turns out I ended up getting another job interview in the same day. that was wicked. that gig seems to be cool as well as the money is better and I would be on salary right away. they also offer benefits. this job is not really in my ‘industry’ but I think I could deal with it…either way – I need to make sure I send a thank you email today. we ended each interview with a plan to be in touch in the next couple of days and we’d schedule another interview for next week. fingers crossed, I’ll get one of these jobs.

now…what did I do to celebrate? I went out, sold some cd’s and ended up getting a full bag and stayed out till 6am. I’m such a freakin’ loser!! I actually wanted to keep partying cause I was so high but there were too many guys at the booze can, not enough chick to party with…bit of a drag yet I still ended up staying longer than I should have – even when there were no chicks around to talk with…

this is a little disappointing cause I had such a positive day…I should have continued on that positive vibe and stayed in…but…I’ve been wanting to go out and party since Tuesday of this week…so basically I had it planned sub consciously. what is that that the AA’s say??? … relapse is not an event, it’s a process…or something like that…

now playing: gorillaz ‘kids with guns’ (from “demon days”)

it was a good day

2005-08-17T22:58:00.000-04:00

today was a good day…I guess. I spoke to a possible job opportunity out of town and closer to where I wanna move to…to be closer to “K”. I’m going to go meet with the guy tomorrow – thurs aug 18 – at 1:30p. which means I need to leave here around 11:30p to arrive early. I just got in from selling some cd’s (again) because I needed to get some cash to pay off a $50 debt from last week (for guess what) as well as a $20 debt from 2 weeks ago (for the same shit). I also needed some cash to make up for the cash my mom gave me as I spent some of it on pot. I ended up getting $100 more than i needed. I was scared I’d end up going out tonight and partying. I can’t do this for many reasons but for one reason alone – I have a big day tomorrow. after the job meeting I need to meet with some media types to discuss my clients upcoming projects. these are the bands I represent on my management company. so – I’m doing my best to stay in tonight. I think I’m gonna make it…mainly because if I go out, I’d rather go out tomorrow than tonight cause tonight is a lame night (wed??) and tomorrow night is better plus I don’t have to get up early on Friday…oh wait…I do…I have an appointment with my therapist at 9am. but that’s something I can easily cancel tomorrow afternoon – if I decide to go out tomorrow night. bad plan though…

I’m just glad i’m staying in tonight – I can say I’m following the ‘just for today’ routine…good for me…yeah, whatever…anyway – it was a decent day. yesterday was good too as I finally got fitted for the tux that I need for my sisters wedding next month. boy do I need to make sure my mind is drug free for a few weeks before that wedding…it’s very important to my family, obviously. plus I’m playing a key role in the wedding party. funny thing I noticed today – it takes me 2-3 days to do 2-3 errands that most people could do in one day. actually there was a time when I could do all that shit and more in only one day. the other realization I cam to (today actually) is that I’m a bum. I never really used to be…but I am now…I just hang out in the house all day, smoke pot, work online and stuff but basically do sweet fuck all. I try looking for jobs – we all know how that goes – I go out to get supplies…food for lunch and dinner and snacks…and of course the newspaper…but other than that, I’m a freakin bum.

hoping for a job and a change of life’s direction very, very soon.

now playing – ‘north country boy’ by The Charlatans UK (from “telling stories”)

back...again....

2005-08-16T19:43:00.000-04:00

tx to sad jane for asking about any new news. I appreciate the fact that someone is reading my messed up shit…and is actually interested in hearing more. tx so much sad jane.

guess I’m back again…glad to be alive, although there were a couple of times last week where I wasn’t quite sure if I was gonna…you know…anyway – positive vibes…that’s what I need to be sending out. likely need to stop thinking and regretting, and beating myself up over past things. so many past things though…man oh man…

maybe I just stopped blogging cause I always quit everything I start…maybe it’s my a.d.d.? who knows…either way I really need to find some work. my career, my past work history is a totally different story. although I guess my addiction is directly related to my current work situation…current – like since feb 2004 basically. where I was fired for…what do you think? I had a bit of a cool gig for about 8 months from aug 2005 to april 2005….didn’t make a ton of dough though…I was not doing blow during that time period which was a good thing….basically started hard core again after I left/got fired in april 2005. regardless, I need to find a freakin’ job soon – I think I’m moving from the city I live in to a smaller town to be closer to my family. that’s another story as well…not necessarily a bad story, there are plenty of really good chapters in that story – some of them contain major life changing stuff.

so my plan is to find work in this other smaller town. I need to call a guy tomorrow regarding a decent job at a radio station in this town. would be good for me to get out of “T” and closer to “K” and hopefully in to some sort of a recovery program?? is this even possible…sure it is right?? … I mean there is help available – most of the time I wanna take it – I actually need to take it – but I don’t take it…instead I do a freakin’ 180 degrees and end up going out partying…with money I don’t have…and that’s another messed up situation…finances…money…which brings me back to why I need to find some work a.s.a. freakin’ p.

now playing: “instinct blues’ – the white stripes (from ‘get behind me satan’)

i'm back...barely

2005-08-07T23:25:00.000-04:00

well…as you can tell by the dates of the last posting and this posting, it’s been a while since I’ve blogged. the reason being cause I went on another binge...i hope it’s over for now…basically I think I’ve come to the decision that I really need to stop doing this…I’m fining it so hard to live 1 minute at a time let alone one day at a time. by this I mean that when I get the urge to party, no matter how much I think about how much I DON’T wanna go party again, I end up doing it anyway. I’m so fuckin’ weak…had a good conversation on Friday with “M”…he suggested I ‘play the tape’ all the way through to the end…this means remembering what the last hour of my last high was like…not the first hour of my last high. it’s the first hour feeling that makes you wanna go chase that again…the last hour is the saddest most humiliating part…when you can’t sleep and you wonder why it is that you do this shit, spend the money that you don’t have, night after night for the same stupid results…insanity=doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. I’m freakin so insane…that’s fine, I can except that…the question is, do I want to stay insane? if the answer is NO, then I need to do something about it…the problem is: what if the answer is YES?

now playing: BSS “stars and sons” (from ‘you forgot it in people’)

familar mornings (afternoons)

2005-07-27T16:42:00.000-04:00

wed july 27, 2005

honesty for today: I went out a partied last night. shouldn’t have done it, but we all have our own choices to make. I just wonder why I’m so weak that I always choose the easy way out (succumbing to the addiction and going out – with money I don’t have), instead of the hard way – fighting the addiction, the urge to go out, etc…

and you know what? last night sucked. I was basically out alone all night – this is nothing new as there are many times where I just go out by myself and hook up with peeps I know in the scene. however last night, the ‘regulars’ weren’t even out. I mean, ok, the ‘;hardcore’ regulars were out as always…funny, I guess I fit in that ‘dirt-bag’ group of ‘hardcore’ regulars. sad. but it was pretty depressing. I stayed out long enough – ended up re-loading at 4:30 am only to go to a booze can for like an hour or less. bad idea. the re-loading I mean…and going to the other can. oh – yeah, the other can…after the club I went next door to the usual booze can…should have went home after but decided to reload at 4:30am and keep going…fuck that is so freakin pathetic.

so today will consist of gathering up my beloved cd’s and selling some more in hopes of getting the $50 I owe to “A” for my re-loading last night, plus another $100 to make up for what I spent last night. oh…I think I borrowed $20 from “J” as well…why the hell did I do that I wonder…?

I have ¾ of my (2nd) half bag from last night still left over…shitty because now I’ll think about doing it up tonight and then calling it quits…again… we’ll see.

now playing: black rebel motorcycle club “still Suspicion holds you tight” (from “howl”).

fucked up shit...

2005-07-26T21:03:00.000-04:00

today I wanna write about the complex situation that I find myself in…see, since I wanna stop doing blow I find it difficult not to do blow if I’m out at a bar. I could be out at a bar for different reasons. (1) i’d need to be at the show because one of my clients are playing. as their manager, I need to be there. (2) I may just wanna socialize, hopefully meet chicks, party, get high, and generally have a good time (for the moment but the long term hold no good times if I continue this type of behavior)… (3) I’m on a date, or I’m lonely so I decide to go out, do blow, sit at a bar and talk to a cute bartender.

now if I stop doing blow, I’d have to go out for at least one of the above reasons. how can I stay clean if my life is based around bars? one option is to find other things to do in my life. but my ‘job’ requires me to be out at bars regularly – either at one of my bands shows, or out socializing and promoting my bands, or checking possible new bands/clients for my job. see the problem? somehow I have to kick coke yet still frequent the same places, with the same people, doing the same things. how fucked up is that?

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more fucked up shit…I’ve started thinking about calling escorts again. during the whole last binge on blow – for the last 6 months, I haven’t even thought about ordering chicks because I’ve been preoccupied by being out all night high as a kite at booze cans. more than 6 months ago I was back on the hooker binge where I’d be ordering hoes once a week sometimes 2-3 times a week. don’t ask…(if you’re thinking how did you afford this?) … before that – like a year or two ago I was doing blow and coming home late/early (not going to booze cans) but instead coming home high with a bit more blow and calling hookers to hang out and party with me. very expensive shit. this is based on loneliness cause I couldn’t fuck while I was high on coke – sometime times certain thing don’t work when you’re high on blow.

anyway, I’m so broke so I can’t afford hookers or blow. but the scary thing is the thought of calling has been entering my mind lately. I’ve been thinking that maybe I also have an addiction to sex, as well as drugs. as if one addiction wasn’t enough.

not feeling good about what may happen tonight…

now playing: big brother 6 on tv…how pathetic?

one day at a time?

2005-07-25T17:43:00.000-04:00

so today is the first day I’m gonna ‘try’ and stay away from doing coke. It’ll be easy cause I’m broke and really can’t afford to be buying blow. Although, that hasn’t stopped me before – for like the last year or 2 – this time it’s different. I went to sell some more cd’s today…I’ve done that before, recently actually. I was broke, couldn’t afford to party, although I really wanted to…why? I’m not too sure…but either way I decided I could part with my beloved music on cd cause I already have all my music loaded into my hard drive (damn I’m a lucky guy to have that option aren’t i…I should really realize these things more often)… anyway, I sold about 80 cd’s today for a total of only $180. the first time I sold a shitload of cd’s – like 200 or so – and got almost $500 for them. unfortunately I partied pretty hard for a week after that so all the money went up my nose.

so with my $180, I need to pay off a coke debt from last week - $50 to "A" a.k.a. "K", a.k.a. someone you don’t wanna fuck with. trust me on this. I also need to by some pot. If I haven’t mentioned already, I’m a chronic pot smoker and have been since about I was 18 years old. I’m 36 now, 37 this year.

i know I said I was trying to stay clean but smoking pot is one thing, doing blow is another. although I understand that ‘a drug, is a drug, is a drug’ I’m of another opinion when it comes to pot. First things first – let me get off the blow and hopefully into a program of better living, happy living, enjoying and living life and treating other well and serving others where ever I can…then I’ll deal with the pot.

the question now becomes, can I do all that and smoke pot at the same time. If I need to be honest the answer is probably NO! cause basically, I was smoking pot and not drinking heavy and not doing blow for about 10 years…then all of a sudden…it was around and available and sounded fun…and I got back into it…and lost almost everything that ever mattered to me – my relationship, my family (my son and his mom – although I still see my son regularly, I still lost the ‘family’ aspect to my life), also lost my/our house that we bought in the country, lost my job, lost my SUV, and finally lost my dog of 10 years – he had to be put down due to cancer. life sux sometimes don’t it?

anyway – I digress, as usual…if you’re enjoying reading this I suggest you get used to it cause I’m sure I’ll be digressing a lot…so – I’m hoping to get a call from a friend today. this friend MS used to party a lot like I used to – probably worse than I did because he had a ton of dough and was always in the party scene for work and or pleasure. He’s now been clean and sober for almost 2 years I think…I’ve asked for his help…we’re supposed to pick a time this week to get together to go to an AA or CA meeting. I definitely need to talk to someone.

now playing…’way out’ – orbital (from ‘the middle of nowhere)

what's this blog about?

2005-07-24T22:48:00.000-04:00

ok...i first wanted to blog about the general thoughts that go on in my head. i also wanted to touch on music - something i am very passionate about. basically i've decided to write about me, my life. long story short - this blog is about sex, drugs, and rock n roll. i'm sorry to sound cliché, but as this blog evolves, you'll see that cliché is definitely something i'm not.

today is july 24, 2005. i'm not clean and sober. i haven't been clean and sober since about 1996. this is after finding sobriety sometime in the summer of 1993. a small group of friends and i decided we need to 'clean ourselves up' as life was progressing, we were in our mid 20's, hadn't finished post secondary education, basically just fucking around...to keep a long story short, as i don't feel like getting in to the details of this story just yet, i went to chicago, illinois for 30 days in a treatment centre. what a fucking experience that was. both good and bad...anyway, after that, i was in and out of the program for about 3 years. after which i decided i wanted to drink and smoke pot - this would allow me to find friends, pick up girls, and do stuff that 'normal' 25 year olds did...or so i thought.

things went fairly well in the years after 1996...i'm sure they could have gone a lot better if i was clean and sober, but whatever...i finished my post secondary education, got the job of my dreams in my primary industry of choice upon graduation, and life went on...i just smoked pot daily and drank socially. what could possibly go wrong?

after finding ms right, moving in together, getting engaged, buying a house in the country, and finding out we're pregnant (the last 3 things happened all in the same year) - we were together a total of 5-6 years...anyway, don't wanna get into those details just yet either...but, we ended up splitting up - before we split, i started using cocaine again. oh - i didn’t mention that i had done blow before, back in the day, like in the late 80's/early 90's. hadn't done blow since 1991. but then in 2003...that changed.

I’ll get into the rest later…

Now playing: ashamed to say, the television…david blaine’s ‘magic man’ on tlc.

my first blog

2005-07-15T01:29:00.000-04:00

hi...welcome. thanks for checking me out. i took a long, long time to get into the concept of 'blogging'. Obviously i've started to become so interested that i'm starting my own blog. This is my first comment/posting. there will be more...i have a lot to say.

lone wolf