2 days in a row??

believe it or not, today was another great day. it started this morning when I got up and got ready to head to yet another job interview in “W”. I ended up getting the job offer. this is cool as it’s finally nice to start getting job offers again…notice I said offers – as in plural. well…I also was offered another job at the local radio station in “W”. I did interview 2 times with them already. that position will become full time with benefits and a salary (plus commission) in December – hopefully. the other job offer I got is at a call centre and that begins sept 12. there is guaranteed pay and health benefits. my preference is for the radio gig, however today it seems like the call centre job is more secure.

on sept 6, I’ll be meeting with the radio station to go over details of their offer. so who knows, I may end up taking that gig of it turns out to be cool for me. I really gotta thank whoever is responsible for my recent luck. fingers crossed, I hope it continues.

I really miss my dog today. I had to put him down last year around this time. he had cancer. he was an amazing soul. I loved him very much – and you know what, I really believe and really felt his love for me. it’s one of the warmest feelings I’ve ever had. I think I miss him cause I’m moving and he’s not coming…I thought a bout this fact for a while and here’s what I came up with: my first move to the city was in 1991-92 and “B” was not with me. my second move, which would be my first move in the city to another place ion the city he wasn’t with me but he and I came together while I was in that place on the “E”. now – this will be my last move out of the city – and he’s not gonna be with me.

what I have to take from this is that it’s time for changes. I also thought today that summer is almost over and the season will change to fall. fall/autumn is my favourite time of year. it signifies change…people say…right? it’s the perfect time to make positive changes. the last 2 years have been absolutely brutal in so many ways. I haven’t even touched on certain major, major, major issues. the changes that I made over the last two years were for the most part, definitely negative choices. I have to once again say that I am really looking forward to my move, my new job, and my new changes.

I just hope I don’t fuck things up…again…

now playing: bloc party ‘positive tension’ (from “silent alarm”)

good news continues...

well the good news is continuing for me…nice for a change. I found out last night that I’ve got an apartment in “W” for oct 1. I’m moving out of my current place this friday. putting stuff in storage till oct 1. the job prospects are looking up as well. it will be a job in “W” which is way cool for me. I’m really looking forward to the move and the changes.

on the bad news side, I went out last night and finished off the little bit of blow I had sitting around my apartment. I actually planned on getting more but things didn’t work out…I really think that was a sign from above or something. thank god (or whomever you believe in) that I was unable to score more last night.

saw “T” last night for a booty call. she called/txt’d throughout the evening and wanted to get together, as did i…seems like I won’t be seeing her anymore since I’m moving. we hadn’t seen each other for a few months anyway. it’s no biggie as the relationship was basically just a sex thing. which was fine with me.

I really should start packing but I’m such a procrastinator…maybe that’s one of the things I should start to change?? I’ve said it before but I gotta say again that I’m really looking forward to the upcoming life changes.

oh – I hung out with “J” for a while last night – we talked about her helping me out with my business, etc. I’ve always thought she was cute…kinda sexy in an innocent way…I think that’s because she’s so young. but she seems way cool…I didn’t really hit on her last night…we just talked business…while I kept going to the bathroom to do another bump – like every 20 minutes. do I really think that people don’t know what I’m up too? interesting question don’t you think? some peeps would pick up on it but I also bet that some peeps have no idea – they just figure I have a weak bladder or liker to pee a lot…who knows. who really cares?

now playing: u2 ‘bad’ (from “the unforgettable fire”) – one of my favourite songs of all time BTW.

ch-ch-ch-changes

sorry for the bowie reference in the subject. the subject ‘changes’ seems to fit my vibe, mood, headspace, situation, etc., lately. I’ve posted a lot lately on my struggles with addiction (and possible mental illness)…that’s one thing that I’d like to change. when I first started blogging, I wasn’t quite sure what direction this blog would take. I like the fact that it’s direction will be directly related to what’s going on inside my head – in my minds eye.

I haven’t done blow for a week or so now…I don’t even want to look at a calendar and try to figure out when the last time was…either way, it was at least a week ago. the sad part is that if I wasn’t so freakin’ broke, I’d have likely partied at least once last week. I just have really reached then end – financially. which actually means that “M”, my source, has also reached the end of her finances – caused directly because of me and my addiction…my illness…my whatever the fuck this thing is that fuck up my entire life and everything in it…

back to changes – I’m moving out of my apartment – to be closer to a specific person. this is a very, very good thing. a very, very positive thing. thing is, I need to get a job in this new city. I’ve had successful interviews…will likely find out if I scored the gig(s) next week. fingers crossed…I have some funding for my move – as I’m sure the reader knows, moves are a big freakin’ hassle and very expensive…at least I have that funding…it looks like I’ll have to put my stuff in storage until I get confirmation on getting an apartment. I’ve looked at a few, some available on sept 1 and some available on oct 1. obviously I want the one available sept 1 as I need to move this week!!

so – so far, I’m moving to “W” but don’t have a job or an apartment. only someone as fucked up as I could find themselves in a fucked up position such as this. the reader may relate…some readers may not. the latter, I envy you, you just don’t understand nor comprehend how mentally fucked up or addiction afflicted people are or how/why the act the way they do…anyway – the only thing I can do I stay positive, send out good vibes and basically just hope for the best.

now playing: starsailor ‘music was saved’ (from “silence is easy”)

is this the end?

I went to my future brother in-laws stag on saturday. it was an all day affair. I attended the middle part of the event, which went from 4pm to midnight. it was really cool. nice to hang out with his friends (a group of 13). I never really had that many friends at one particular time in my life, but for someone to have kept that many friends, is really cool. it was nice to see how a bunch of guys who are buddies hang out…also nice to see the way other ‘normal’ people party and enjoy life…instead of the way my so called friends party and ‘enjoy’ (more like destroy) their lives.

unfortunately, I had some blow left from thursday night – see previous post – so of course, I took it to the day’s events. I was continually fighting the urge to get into it asap. I waited till after lunch…then thought it best to wait till after dinner (cause you know there was no way I was eating anything if I had started doing blow – and I needed to eat dinner). anyway, dinner ends around 7:30 p and I was in the bathroom before 8pm doing bumps.

then before we left for the bar crawl and the nights activities, I decided to take off, go home, change my shirt, and then stop of at “A”’s house to get another half bag. what a freakin’ disgusting addict I am. I head back to the bar where we were all to meet. by the end of the stay at that bar – I decide to leave the group and go party at my local. they were all going to a strip joint north of the city. I just didn’t wanna go. we had a nice limo to take us up there and bring us back but I bailed. I went to my local for drinks and then to the “V” bar for after hours. I should have just went straight home. I said that a few times up until 6am when I finally left and went home.

most of today (sunday) was spent on the couching, sleeping and watching tv. very unproductive. I didn’t have any pot to smoke today cause i’m out and I’m broke so I have no money to re-load. oh – while at the “V”, the manager “D” really wanted my t-shirt. he really liked it. I wasn’t gonna give or sell it to him but then he made an offer no addict can refuse. he said he’d give me a ½ bag fro the shirt. he charges $50 for a ½ bag (most charge $40)…so…while I didn’t need more blow, of coarse I made the deal. he gave me a half-gram around 4am…I left after 5am. I still have a bit of that bag left…unfortunately. I need to make sure I don’t get into that bag – if I do, I’ll need to buy more, also will need to buy booze as I’ll be out partying. since I have no money – hopefully I won’t get into that bag.

I hate being an addict.

now playing - CTV 11pm news on TV.

how to ruin an otherwise great day...

yesterday – thursday aug 18, 2005 was a really good day. the night is another story…keep reading…so I had a job interview out of town in a city that I may be moving too…it’s a sales job at a small radio station (with a big reach). it seems like it could be a cool gig although I’m not sure if they offer health benefits (which I desperately need as I am a diabetic and medication and supplies are very expensive). it may also be a commission job for the first 2 months and then the third month things will change.

the cool thing about yesterday afternoon was that as I traveled to this interview, I got a call from another perspective employer who’s also located out of town in this same city to where I was headed. turns out I ended up getting another job interview in the same day. that was wicked. that gig seems to be cool as well as the money is better and I would be on salary right away. they also offer benefits. this job is not really in my ‘industry’ but I think I could deal with it…either way – I need to make sure I send a thank you email today. we ended each interview with a plan to be in touch in the next couple of days and we’d schedule another interview for next week. fingers crossed, I’ll get one of these jobs.

now…what did I do to celebrate? I went out, sold some cd’s and ended up getting a full bag and stayed out till 6am. I’m such a freakin’ loser!! I actually wanted to keep partying cause I was so high but there were too many guys at the booze can, not enough chick to party with…bit of a drag yet I still ended up staying longer than I should have – even when there were no chicks around to talk with…

this is a little disappointing cause I had such a positive day…I should have continued on that positive vibe and stayed in…but…I’ve been wanting to go out and party since Tuesday of this week…so basically I had it planned sub consciously. what is that that the AA’s say??? … relapse is not an event, it’s a process…or something like that…

now playing: gorillaz ‘kids with guns’ (from “demon days”)

it was a good day

today was a good day…I guess. I spoke to a possible job opportunity out of town and closer to where I wanna move to…to be closer to “K”. I’m going to go meet with the guy tomorrow – thurs aug 18 – at 1:30p. which means I need to leave here around 11:30p to arrive early. I just got in from selling some cd’s (again) because I needed to get some cash to pay off a $50 debt from last week (for guess what) as well as a $20 debt from 2 weeks ago (for the same shit). I also needed some cash to make up for the cash my mom gave me as I spent some of it on pot. I ended up getting $100 more than i needed. I was scared I’d end up going out tonight and partying. I can’t do this for many reasons but for one reason alone – I have a big day tomorrow. after the job meeting I need to meet with some media types to discuss my clients upcoming projects. these are the bands I represent on my management company. so – I’m doing my best to stay in tonight. I think I’m gonna make it…mainly because if I go out, I’d rather go out tomorrow than tonight cause tonight is a lame night (wed??) and tomorrow night is better plus I don’t have to get up early on Friday…oh wait…I do…I have an appointment with my therapist at 9am. but that’s something I can easily cancel tomorrow afternoon – if I decide to go out tomorrow night. bad plan though…

I’m just glad i’m staying in tonight – I can say I’m following the ‘just for today’ routine…good for me…yeah, whatever…anyway – it was a decent day. yesterday was good too as I finally got fitted for the tux that I need for my sisters wedding next month. boy do I need to make sure my mind is drug free for a few weeks before that wedding…it’s very important to my family, obviously. plus I’m playing a key role in the wedding party. funny thing I noticed today – it takes me 2-3 days to do 2-3 errands that most people could do in one day. actually there was a time when I could do all that shit and more in only one day. the other realization I cam to (today actually) is that I’m a bum. I never really used to be…but I am now…I just hang out in the house all day, smoke pot, work online and stuff but basically do sweet fuck all. I try looking for jobs – we all know how that goes – I go out to get supplies…food for lunch and dinner and snacks…and of course the newspaper…but other than that, I’m a freakin bum.

hoping for a job and a change of life’s direction very, very soon.

now playing – ‘north country boy’ by The Charlatans UK (from “telling stories”)

back...again....

tx to sad jane for asking about any new news. I appreciate the fact that someone is reading my messed up shit…and is actually interested in hearing more. tx so much sad jane.

guess I’m back again…glad to be alive, although there were a couple of times last week where I wasn’t quite sure if I was gonna…you know…anyway – positive vibes…that’s what I need to be sending out. likely need to stop thinking and regretting, and beating myself up over past things. so many past things though…man oh man…

maybe I just stopped blogging cause I always quit everything I start…maybe it’s my a.d.d.? who knows…either way I really need to find some work. my career, my past work history is a totally different story. although I guess my addiction is directly related to my current work situation…current – like since feb 2004 basically. where I was fired for…what do you think? I had a bit of a cool gig for about 8 months from aug 2005 to april 2005….didn’t make a ton of dough though…I was not doing blow during that time period which was a good thing….basically started hard core again after I left/got fired in april 2005. regardless, I need to find a freakin’ job soon – I think I’m moving from the city I live in to a smaller town to be closer to my family. that’s another story as well…not necessarily a bad story, there are plenty of really good chapters in that story – some of them contain major life changing stuff.

so my plan is to find work in this other smaller town. I need to call a guy tomorrow regarding a decent job at a radio station in this town. would be good for me to get out of “T” and closer to “K” and hopefully in to some sort of a recovery program?? is this even possible…sure it is right?? … I mean there is help available – most of the time I wanna take it – I actually need to take it – but I don’t take it…instead I do a freakin’ 180 degrees and end up going out partying…with money I don’t have…and that’s another messed up situation…finances…money…which brings me back to why I need to find some work a.s.a. freakin’ p.

now playing: “instinct blues’ – the white stripes (from ‘get behind me satan’)

i'm back...barely

well…as you can tell by the dates of the last posting and this posting, it’s been a while since I’ve blogged. the reason being cause I went on another binge...i hope it’s over for now…basically I think I’ve come to the decision that I really need to stop doing this…I’m fining it so hard to live 1 minute at a time let alone one day at a time. by this I mean that when I get the urge to party, no matter how much I think about how much I DON’T wanna go party again, I end up doing it anyway. I’m so fuckin’ weak…had a good conversation on Friday with “M”…he suggested I ‘play the tape’ all the way through to the end…this means remembering what the last hour of my last high was like…not the first hour of my last high. it’s the first hour feeling that makes you wanna go chase that again…the last hour is the saddest most humiliating part…when you can’t sleep and you wonder why it is that you do this shit, spend the money that you don’t have, night after night for the same stupid results…insanity=doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. I’m freakin so insane…that’s fine, I can except that…the question is, do I want to stay insane? if the answer is NO, then I need to do something about it…the problem is: what if the answer is YES?

now playing: BSS “stars and sons” (from ‘you forgot it in people’)