familar mornings (afternoons)

wed july 27, 2005

honesty for today: I went out a partied last night. shouldn’t have done it, but we all have our own choices to make. I just wonder why I’m so weak that I always choose the easy way out (succumbing to the addiction and going out – with money I don’t have), instead of the hard way – fighting the addiction, the urge to go out, etc…

and you know what? last night sucked. I was basically out alone all night – this is nothing new as there are many times where I just go out by myself and hook up with peeps I know in the scene. however last night, the ‘regulars’ weren’t even out. I mean, ok, the ‘;hardcore’ regulars were out as always…funny, I guess I fit in that ‘dirt-bag’ group of ‘hardcore’ regulars. sad. but it was pretty depressing. I stayed out long enough – ended up re-loading at 4:30 am only to go to a booze can for like an hour or less. bad idea. the re-loading I mean…and going to the other can. oh – yeah, the other can…after the club I went next door to the usual booze can…should have went home after but decided to reload at 4:30am and keep going…fuck that is so freakin pathetic.

so today will consist of gathering up my beloved cd’s and selling some more in hopes of getting the $50 I owe to “A” for my re-loading last night, plus another $100 to make up for what I spent last night. oh…I think I borrowed $20 from “J” as well…why the hell did I do that I wonder…?

I have ¾ of my (2nd) half bag from last night still left over…shitty because now I’ll think about doing it up tonight and then calling it quits…again… we’ll see.

now playing: black rebel motorcycle club “still Suspicion holds you tight” (from “howl”).

fucked up shit...

today I wanna write about the complex situation that I find myself in…see, since I wanna stop doing blow I find it difficult not to do blow if I’m out at a bar. I could be out at a bar for different reasons. (1) i’d need to be at the show because one of my clients are playing. as their manager, I need to be there. (2) I may just wanna socialize, hopefully meet chicks, party, get high, and generally have a good time (for the moment but the long term hold no good times if I continue this type of behavior)… (3) I’m on a date, or I’m lonely so I decide to go out, do blow, sit at a bar and talk to a cute bartender.

now if I stop doing blow, I’d have to go out for at least one of the above reasons. how can I stay clean if my life is based around bars? one option is to find other things to do in my life. but my ‘job’ requires me to be out at bars regularly – either at one of my bands shows, or out socializing and promoting my bands, or checking possible new bands/clients for my job. see the problem? somehow I have to kick coke yet still frequent the same places, with the same people, doing the same things. how fucked up is that?

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more fucked up shit…I’ve started thinking about calling escorts again. during the whole last binge on blow – for the last 6 months, I haven’t even thought about ordering chicks because I’ve been preoccupied by being out all night high as a kite at booze cans. more than 6 months ago I was back on the hooker binge where I’d be ordering hoes once a week sometimes 2-3 times a week. don’t ask…(if you’re thinking how did you afford this?) … before that – like a year or two ago I was doing blow and coming home late/early (not going to booze cans) but instead coming home high with a bit more blow and calling hookers to hang out and party with me. very expensive shit. this is based on loneliness cause I couldn’t fuck while I was high on coke – sometime times certain thing don’t work when you’re high on blow.

anyway, I’m so broke so I can’t afford hookers or blow. but the scary thing is the thought of calling has been entering my mind lately. I’ve been thinking that maybe I also have an addiction to sex, as well as drugs. as if one addiction wasn’t enough.

not feeling good about what may happen tonight…

now playing: big brother 6 on tv…how pathetic?

one day at a time?

so today is the first day I’m gonna ‘try’ and stay away from doing coke. It’ll be easy cause I’m broke and really can’t afford to be buying blow. Although, that hasn’t stopped me before – for like the last year or 2 – this time it’s different. I went to sell some more cd’s today…I’ve done that before, recently actually. I was broke, couldn’t afford to party, although I really wanted to…why? I’m not too sure…but either way I decided I could part with my beloved music on cd cause I already have all my music loaded into my hard drive (damn I’m a lucky guy to have that option aren’t i…I should really realize these things more often)… anyway, I sold about 80 cd’s today for a total of only $180. the first time I sold a shitload of cd’s – like 200 or so – and got almost $500 for them. unfortunately I partied pretty hard for a week after that so all the money went up my nose.

so with my $180, I need to pay off a coke debt from last week - $50 to "A" a.k.a. "K", a.k.a. someone you don’t wanna fuck with. trust me on this. I also need to by some pot. If I haven’t mentioned already, I’m a chronic pot smoker and have been since about I was 18 years old. I’m 36 now, 37 this year.

i know I said I was trying to stay clean but smoking pot is one thing, doing blow is another. although I understand that ‘a drug, is a drug, is a drug’ I’m of another opinion when it comes to pot. First things first – let me get off the blow and hopefully into a program of better living, happy living, enjoying and living life and treating other well and serving others where ever I can…then I’ll deal with the pot.

the question now becomes, can I do all that and smoke pot at the same time. If I need to be honest the answer is probably NO! cause basically, I was smoking pot and not drinking heavy and not doing blow for about 10 years…then all of a sudden…it was around and available and sounded fun…and I got back into it…and lost almost everything that ever mattered to me – my relationship, my family (my son and his mom – although I still see my son regularly, I still lost the ‘family’ aspect to my life), also lost my/our house that we bought in the country, lost my job, lost my SUV, and finally lost my dog of 10 years – he had to be put down due to cancer. life sux sometimes don’t it?

anyway – I digress, as usual…if you’re enjoying reading this I suggest you get used to it cause I’m sure I’ll be digressing a lot…so – I’m hoping to get a call from a friend today. this friend MS used to party a lot like I used to – probably worse than I did because he had a ton of dough and was always in the party scene for work and or pleasure. He’s now been clean and sober for almost 2 years I think…I’ve asked for his help…we’re supposed to pick a time this week to get together to go to an AA or CA meeting. I definitely need to talk to someone.

now playing…’way out’ – orbital (from ‘the middle of nowhere)

what's this blog about?

ok...i first wanted to blog about the general thoughts that go on in my head. i also wanted to touch on music - something i am very passionate about. basically i've decided to write about me, my life. long story short - this blog is about sex, drugs, and rock n roll. i'm sorry to sound cliché, but as this blog evolves, you'll see that cliché is definitely something i'm not.

today is july 24, 2005. i'm not clean and sober. i haven't been clean and sober since about 1996. this is after finding sobriety sometime in the summer of 1993. a small group of friends and i decided we need to 'clean ourselves up' as life was progressing, we were in our mid 20's, hadn't finished post secondary education, basically just fucking around...to keep a long story short, as i don't feel like getting in to the details of this story just yet, i went to chicago, illinois for 30 days in a treatment centre. what a fucking experience that was. both good and bad...anyway, after that, i was in and out of the program for about 3 years. after which i decided i wanted to drink and smoke pot - this would allow me to find friends, pick up girls, and do stuff that 'normal' 25 year olds did...or so i thought.

things went fairly well in the years after 1996...i'm sure they could have gone a lot better if i was clean and sober, but whatever...i finished my post secondary education, got the job of my dreams in my primary industry of choice upon graduation, and life went on...i just smoked pot daily and drank socially. what could possibly go wrong?

after finding ms right, moving in together, getting engaged, buying a house in the country, and finding out we're pregnant (the last 3 things happened all in the same year) - we were together a total of 5-6 years...anyway, don't wanna get into those details just yet either...but, we ended up splitting up - before we split, i started using cocaine again. oh - i didn’t mention that i had done blow before, back in the day, like in the late 80's/early 90's. hadn't done blow since 1991. but then in 2003...that changed.

I’ll get into the rest later…

Now playing: ashamed to say, the television…david blaine’s ‘magic man’ on tlc.

my first blog

hi...welcome. thanks for checking me out. i took a long, long time to get into the concept of 'blogging'. Obviously i've started to become so interested that i'm starting my own blog. This is my first comment/posting. there will be more...i have a lot to say.

lone wolf