“K” & “K” & me

I thought I'd write a bit about my ex. we share an amazing son. I know I'm biased but this kid is something special. I've always told his mom, my ex, that there is something about him, I just don't know quite what…yet…but trust me, there's something very special about this soul. I like to think it's because he was created by two 'special' souls.


anyway…ever since I moved here...to be closer to my son and to change my life (or was it to save my life? …or are those the same thing this time?), I've been in contact with “K” a lot…I see my son on weekends and twice during the week. it's freakin' awesome. I love it. I also see her that many times as well. we also talk on the phone, albeit briefly, a few times in the week to set up pick up/drop off times and because my son likes to call me and I like to call him. this is what brings me to my blog tonight…I needed to get this out, so what better way to do it than to write about it…which is basically the reason I started this thing.


so - this has been going on forever now…she basically doesn't like me anymore, doesn't really want to have anything to do with me anymore, basically just wants our relationship to revolve around dealing with our son. I feel the exact same way…about the last point. as for the first to - I still like her. I love her. but I love her only as my son's mother, the woman I fell in love with and the girl who changed my life - for the better. but I'm not 'in' love with her. I'm over the break up…I mean the longing for her part…I'm still getting over the emotional and mental stuff cause I blocked it out for the last 2 years…not by myself but with the help of some pretty good blow. but that's neither here nor there…at this point and time anyway.

what I'm getting at is that I wish she'd have the same feeling for me. I don't want her back. she defiantly doesn't want me back. I would just like to have a better relationship with her. she could care less. I want her to like me again. not like it was at the beginning, but just like me as a person. as her son's father.

she does respect me in that way though…in her own way, she really does. she's never on my case regarding finances. she expects them but understands my limitations. she also is very good with my access to my son. I thank her very much for that. she does it cause she knows it's good for our son. and he wants it that way too. she knows he loves his daddy. I touched on something above that I wanna expand on…regarding my finances. I'm ashamed to say that the entire time I was selling my cd's, coming up with cash from my mom and any other way I could, and I was spending all this dough on partying/blow (and probably for sex too)…I wasn't paying off the debt I had to my mom, or any support for “K” and our son. I don't wanna get down on my self but thinking about that stuff sux big time.

anyway - my point is…she doesn't necessarily know that I was spending all this dough on blow and not trying to get out of debt and pay my bills as well as give her some cash too...but, I'm sure she know I was spending some dough on blow. because of this, I think she's very, very disappointed in me…hence her attitude towards me, personally (outside of being her son's father - she does respect me that way thank god. but that shouldn't surprise me - she's a warm, loving, beautiful human being. and I miss her. but I know that we don't and won't make each other happy anymore. I know that. she does too. if I had one wish, I wonder if I'd wish for her and I to get a long like we always wanted us to…and for the three of us to be a family again, and maybe have another baby…I'm starting to tear up…again, I'm such a freakin' wuss. but I like the wuss that I am… sometimes.