old habits die hard

I kinda knew I'd be writing about this…what is it they say in those rooms, those church basements…??? 'relapse is a process, not an event' … or something like that. I don't by any means consider what happened last night a 'relapse'. I freakin' hate that word…always have - ever since the first time I heard it - back in 1995 sometime I think…

so…I had to go to “T” on saturday night to see my band play a show. I kinda thought that I may do coke but at the same time I was hoping I wouldn't. I've always done coke when my band plays I and enjoy it (for a while anyway) so I knew I'd get the itch and I'd likely succumb to the desire to fuck shit up…no surprise eh? what would have been a surprise would have been if I actually didn't do coke.

I scored before I got to the club. did a few toots when I got in, right after I got a beer of course, which was basically, as always, the first thing I do as soon as I walk in to a bar. hung out, watched the bands I had to, and then went to the “B” with some friends. I hadn't been there for 6-7 weeks. I naturally went to the “V” for after hours…haven't been there for 6-7 weeks either. you know what's so freakin funny and weird? the same fuckin dirt bags are still there…no surprise mind you, but when you stop and think about it, it's just fucked. why do I dig that scene so fuckin much? there's always new people hanging out...new dirt bags, I guess.

anyway, it sucked. the whole night. I mean I did enjoy the first rush I got - about 10 mins after i got to the bar, got a bud, and went to my office/the bathroom. it was nice. so I went back and did another - a little bigger this time. all in all though, this shit's not for me. sure it's good times…but it doesn't get me anywhere - with girls, or anywhere else. here's another thing they say in those rooms/church basements that pisses me off cause it's so freakin true: oh - it's about blow (or could be anything, I guess)

…”remember the last two hours, not the first two hours…” of your night, your buzz, your binge, …whatever…

is that true though?? the first two hours, it's wicked. I'm high, feelin' good, chicks are looking at me…this could be a good night…”lets' go!” …then the last two hours are the “oh, why did I do this again, I'm such an asshole, where are my priorities, what the fuck do you think you're doing you god damn son f a bitch, man I wish I could just get to sleep…blah, blah, blah…” …it's true, but why don't I listen to it? because I'm a drug addict.

when you were little, and dreamt about what you'd do or what you'd be like when you got older, did you ever, in your wildest dreams, ever think that you'd be a drug addict?

I didn't. I always dreamt of better things - bigger things. hell, I was so innocent (well, kinda…) at that age I never even knew what drugs were let a lone what they do to you (positive or negatively)

anyway, the worst part of all this…when I scored, I decided to pick up a gram instead of just doing a half…cause i knew, a half wouldn't be enough and I'd likely be looking to score later and it's just easier to have the full g on me…cause I'm gonna be doing it later anyway…it turns out the half would have been good enough…

at the booze can, at around 5am I decide to crack open the new _ bag. I end up doing a few bumps in a couple of trips to the bathroom…I leave like 15 mins later - all high and trying to go home - or scratch that, here's where it starts to get worse, I'm going back to my sister's house for god sake. she's there with her new husband/..i blogged about the wedding in here somewhere…anyway, you'd think I'd have some respect…so whatever, I leave, drive home (like a fuckin damn fool), smoke a joint, and go into my sister's house, at like 5:30/6 in the morning. who the fuck do I think I am…

oh - and the worse part? I have at least _ of that half bag left…I'm not the type to do it now cause it's there. but I am totally the type that will find an excuse to do it this weekend when I'm back in “T” may band's next gig.